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It was true. You have nothing to apologize for.
True or not, it's not the point. And yes I do need to apologize and so I am.
Is Hannah doing okay?
Hannah's doing as well as can be expected. I am glad to have her home this year.
And you, how are you doing?
I'm miserable alright. I've just been sitting her in the downstairs sitting room going through photos paperwork and things.
How are you?
A mess, but I'll get by.
You or Hannah need anything?
I'm sorry....
We're making it as best as we know how, though she might like some company. I confess, I don't really know what to do to help her now.
Just be there for her, I'm sure that will help her more than anything can.
Not that I know, I'm just guessing.
I know...I haven't done a particularly good job in that aspect--well, ever, really.
At least she's home this year
Yes, she is, and every year after that. You were keeping her safe, you did the right thing and I shouldn't have thrown that in your face. I'm sorry.
You really dont' need to apologize. She's said as much to me, that she was safe but very unhappy.
But I wasn't talking just about her, I was being selfish and talking about me too and that's why I need to apologize.
What do you mean, talking about you?
Your apology is accepted, though I assure you it's unnecessary.
Carrying on about Hannah being gone, it wasn't just on Hannah's behalf, it was about how I felt.
It's completely necessary.
You missed her nearly as much as I did, didn't you?
I knew all along you weren't trying to be malicious.
Yes. I lost all of you that week.
I was still here, you know.
I lost them too.
No, you weren't. Teaghan was gone and before I could even get back to the house that day Hannah was gone and then you kept going right back out of the country as soon as you were back and I tried to tell myself that you needed to do it, that Hannah needed to be safe and you needed to be where nothing reminded you and I would have reminded you but all three of you at once was just...
I shouldn't have said it, at all, because it wasn't fair and it's nothing compared to what you or Hannah went through and I should have just told you I was no good at any of this then tried to help with the Ernie thing and...
I really need to stop babble-writing.
I never thought of how it would seem to you. Rather, I'm afraid I didn't think of many people then. I didn't think what Teaghan's parents would thing, being saddled with their granddaughter who remindes me them of Teaghan so, or what Hannah would think to be shipped off so suddenly, or what you would feel losing everything all of a sudden or of Hannah's other friends....I just....Well you were there. I was alive, yes, but I wasn't living then. Sometimes it still feels like that to be honest, but then sometimes I start to think that I may actually get the chance to love live again, and it's [Writing trails off suddenly here]
now I need to stop babble-writing. I apologize, this day is just far too instrospective for my tastes. I should be out, I should be doing something.
I know, Dom. I knew then and I know now and I was out of line to even bring it up.
She wouldn't want you to not... live, she'd want you and Hannah to be happy.
Do you want to go out and do something, see someone? I'll stay with Hannah if you want me to do that.
You weren't out of line, I did need to have some sense beaten into me, though I still don't approve of Ernie Macmillan getting so comfortable with my daughter, I think you were right, I was taking things too far.
I know, but it's so hard. So very hard to think that she's NEVER coming back, that I might NEVER be that happy again. I want it, but it's hard to go out and find it.
It's pointless. I don't know who I would even begin to see. No one interests me save for those who I can't risk ruining things with.
You don't have to approve and welcome him with open arms, but I'm glad you're looking at the rest differently.
So are other things, but it being hard doesn't mean you still shouldn't try.
Like who? I think you're probably looking at it all wrong if you're looking at it as ruining things. If it's important to you, you should go for it.
I'm doing it for Hannah's sake, as well as your own. I don't think you need to play referee.
Perhaps I shouldn't...do you think it's been long enough?
I've had someone in mind for a while, but I'm afraid of ruining the relationship that we DO have. I couldn't bear that.
I will if it results in good things, it's when it doesn't change anything that I object. And I meant it, if he did ever REALLY hurt her, I wouldn't arrest you for blasting him to pieces.
I don't know, it's only something you can decide. Maybe if you're asking, it hasn't been yet.
Well, do you think she feels the same? Has you in mind but is afraid of ruining something? Maybe she's just as hesitant as you're being because of any number of things, including that you're a widower, and is just waiting to know what you think and feel.
I'm glad to hear that, because i'd blast him to pieces whether it met with your approval or not.
I think it is, but sometimes I worry for Hannah, wonder what Teaghan herself would say if she had the option to do such a thing
I don't know, perhaps she does...but she's someone very close to me, to Hannah, and I dont' want to ruin things not only for myself but her. I don't think she's interested anyhow. I mean, when you sobered up, you fled right away, that doesn't stand to make one think that --
I sort of figured you might.
You may only be able to guess with Teaghan, but you can ask Hannah her opinion.
Holy shi
Well, if she's close to you and Hannah, was she close to Teaghan too? Maybe that's what's stopped her from making the first step or doing things to make you think she's not interested, maybe she's concerned.
I have, and she said that she was alright with it, that she WANTED me to be happy, but I can tell she is still a bit worried
Maybe...I don't know. Perhaps you're just being kind and optimistic because I'm a friend too.
She may always be a bit worried and even afraid, that's why you have to be open with her.
It's not that. I just... I don't do this 'pretend obliviousness' thing very well. I'm just saying what I know personally.
I will. It's funny, I think she'd take to the idea of me dating easier than I would to the idea of her dating, and yet it's far more likely that she will
Silly Jones, still fishing for that name, hmm? You can's know personally, because you can't know the name. I'm tricky like taht.
Ohly because she's young and doesn't have baggage, the rest of us have a lot of hurdles to overcome.
You're not tricky at all, you're as obvious as the broad side of a hippogriff. I know who you're talking about now and I'm telling you, that's the reason.
She's very lucky in that aspect then.
I'm no talking about Aurora, just so you know. No need to admit how wrong you were with your guess, I already know this.
I definitely agree.
I know you're not talking about Aurora, you're talking about me and I'm trying to tell you have have a well of guilt the size of the bleeding English Channel about all of it, that's what's behind everything.
You?
How did you--
Guilt?
The clues added up.
Yes, guilt. She is - was - i - my best friend, Dominic, and you're her husband, for Merlin's sake. Of course I have guilt!
I didn't mean for you to find out, to have to figure out that sort of thing and deal with my feelings particularly if they were ones you didn't reciprocate
There's nothing for you to feel guilty for. She wanted you to be happy, to find someone who could make you happy, and you said yourself that she wouldn't want me to become some sort of monk.
Besides, you haven't done anything wrong.
There's plenty to feel guilty for, from throwing myself at my best friend's husband to wanting to do it. You two were meant for each other, were perfect together, and I would feel like the scum of the earth for doing something that changes that. I won't do that to her memory and I won't do that to Hannah. And it's different, before we were talking about Aurora or some nameless woman who hadn't been friends with her, not me.
Haven't done anything wrong? I know you remember my drunken stunt.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. Sometimes it's still hard for me to picture myself moving on, because Teaghan did mean the world to me. She still does. Part of me will always belong to her, because she gave me many wonderful years and a better daughter than I could have imagined possible. It's taken me a while, to even think about dating again Merlin but that makes me sound as though I'm some foolish second year girl twittering on about dating this one or that.... Now though, I've had time to think about it, to talk to Hannah and consider what Teaghan herself would have wanted, and she wouldn't have begrudged us me happiness.
That's not to say that it's YOUR job to give me that. If you think it was a mistake, or if you would be upset with yourself for this, then obviously it won't work. I wouldn't dream of asking you to go against your instincts, as they're what keeps you alive when you're doing your job. It's just to say....
I don't think you've done anything wrong.
*handwriting is shaky*
I can't discuss this today, it feels so wrong to do it today.
*handwriting is still shaky*
I'm sorry
*Handwriting is very composed, as though it's one of his official business papers*
You have nothing to be sorry for, Hestia.
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
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